I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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