Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
We are two peas in an std pod
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
