New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
