The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
