man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
