You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
