My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
