I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
