i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
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