Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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