Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
that may or may not have been my penis.
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