I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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