dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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