Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Randomize
