he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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