I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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