one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
