Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
