Pregnant stripper...not hot.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize