just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
