nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.