In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
