a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
