Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
