at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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