let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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