It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
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Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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