i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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