The best revenge is premature balding
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
