How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
