She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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