A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
