just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
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the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
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You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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