I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
