Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
