it was like his penis was on wheels.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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