Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
