I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
