My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
