He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
