I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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