didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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