So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
