Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
