she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
