how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
