God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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