I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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