shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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