I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
