i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
