youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
