These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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