the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
soo... how was my night?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
