All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He better not be in your backpack
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
