What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He? As in you personified your dick?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
